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December 2009



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Dec. 24th, 2009


Yeah, so... I'm sitting here in this over-sized chair feeling like the fattest thing that ever existed. It pissed me off to no end to how much I've eaten today. Gross! Especially since I'm nowhere near where I want to be.

I remember that, when I was thin, I had a shred of peace with myself. I felt at least proud of one thing in my life. Too bad it was being skinny, but I'm not going to complain about having something that I liked about myself.

I felt glamorous, regal even. Now I feel like a fucking stuffed sausage, with the same amount of dignity of one. I'm not too worried, though. I know I'll lose the weight and that I won't ever be fat again. I was fat because I gave up when I was in my last relationship. I did everything to fix him, everything one human can do for another, but I was hurt in the end. So, I just stuffed my fucking face and drank a 6-pack of beer every night just to be around that piece of shit.

Now, I'm in a new relationship. I'm really anxious about it. When I was in New York with him, I had a panic attack because I just didn't know if I could love anyone. I didn't know if I could get over my numbness, my apathy. Honestly, I still don't and I'm not sure if I even want to. Not caring is so lovely, after all. I have to make barely any effort to live.

But I met his family. I love them! I talked more to them than I have with my family in the passed fucking year. I never stopped being my weird-ass self, and they accepted me and my strange ways (lulz). Justin surely accepts them and we're great together.

We were great when we were friends, great whenever he was helping me through the morbid relationship with the aforementioned sack of shit man (no, boy) I was with. He told me things would never work, but I didn't listen. Justin was right, all along, and here... almost three years later, we're together as we should have been in the beginning when he showed me such great kindness, friendship and love.

I just have a lot of trouble accepting those things.

Anyway, back to one of my main points... I need to fucking lose weight. Why? Why can't I just accept myself the way I am? BECAUSE it fucking makes me feel GREAT. So, why wouldn't I lose weight and feel beautiful and fabulous and thin again? Why wouldn't I do something that makes me happy. Stuffing my face and being bloated does not make me happy like actually feeling my ribs through my skin, sharp and pristine.

So, I'm going to do it. I think I'll stop around 112 lbs. Anymore weight loss makes me look like a bobble-head doll.

Dec. 18th, 2009

(no subject)

How can I be in love... and be so sad at the same time. Once I begin to feel, really feel, my soul just detatches itself and goes away to a place that I don't know. I can only hope that my belief in goodness, in the energy from people can save me. I can't be expected to save myself, can I? It's never worked for me in the past, why would it work now?

It would be so easy to decide to kill myself, to fucking slit my wrists without poetry or art or sympathy. Too bad I still hold onto this little thing called hope. The hope inside of me is killing me very, very slowly... it doesn't seem fair in any way, does it?

Then there are these unanswered questions... Will I ever feel that sense that I'm completely safe, completely loved and cared for... for the person I am?

There is also another important issue; WHO the fuck am I?

Nov. 21st, 2009

Day Twenty One

How have I not posted here?
I've been on the site, reading other entries.

Today I ate...
Cereal, which I purged... most of it, at least.
Green lima beans and some mashed potatoes.
Some dip stuff my mother made with ritz crackers.

I'm hungry right now.
Good sign, right?

I weighed 129.2 this morning.
I'd be happy to lose 10 more.

Nov. 11th, 2009

Day Eleven

So... I totally haven't kept up with this journal!  But that's okay, I suppose, only because I am on track...

I weight 132.6... yay!
To meed my goal for the week, I need to be 131 by Sunday.

I've been eating... just not much. I try to be active, but my meds make me tired. I try anyway... I cleaned some in my room, washed towels, walked to the mail box. I plan to do more, I just need a cup of coffee.

The thing that I am most happy about is the fact that I am no longer considered overweight. I fall into the normal range... that's gross, but I'm on the right path, right?

My mother is talking about making grits and I need to find my way out of it. I kind of just want to go back to bed. It's rainy and murky outside.

Today I ate:
Sunbutter sandwhich with grape jelly
* I only used a teaspoon of the butter and even less of the jelly.


I'm doing what I said I was going to do... yayyyyy. Bleh... I feel kind of gross right now. I jumped on the mini trampoline for 30 minutes and did about 15 standing push ups, 150 crunches and punched the air a bit.

Since I DID decide to eat grits... with scrambled eggs and tomatoes. It wasn't a lot, I know that, but hopefully my exercise is enough to undo the food I ate today. Ugh.... I couldn't begin to say how much I want this now. 14 lbs. and I'll be okay with my weight... I'll be much happier, just because I think I'll have more confidence.

I want to wake up early in the morning to get a shower. I barely ever shower anymore... I know it's gross, but I just haven't cared about my appearance. I mean, I'll wash my hair, but that's about it. Ugh, I'm grossssss. I'll probably wait until 10:30 to take my seroquel since it knocks me out. I think I'm actually going to study. I just have to get my books out of the car.

Oh, and tomorrow I need to go get pepper spray. I'm still afraid that guy is going to jump me or something.

Nov. 5th, 2009

Day Five

I didn't post because I did something so fucking stupid and was almost raped. I told this psycho to leave me alone... he really doesn't know anything about me... but he has my number and has been texting me. I think he's finally done... I just want him to leave me alone and I want NOTHING to do with this bastard.

Ugh... Anyway. I went to the Doctor yesterday, a new one, a WOMAN. God, I think she's the first doc that has ever listened to me. She prescribed me with Seroquil... Yay! But she wants me to get therapy... I dunno, maybe I need it. Fuck.

Anyway... the other night I had three beers, I think. I took a couple bites of bread with hummus and that's about it. Yesterday I ate a veggie and hummus pizza, some pumpkin seeds, lentil soup... That's about it.

So far, today I've eaten:
Fresh cut pineapple
1 greek yogurt

I don't even feel like eating. I feel nauseous, which I guess is a good thing.

I weighed myself when I got home from school today and I was 135.6. I'm glad, but not happy. Not yet. I think I just want to go to sleep.

Nov. 2nd, 2009

Day Two

When I woke up, I weighed 138.6.

So... great! I know that must mean I didn't actually gain three pounds of fat over the weekend.

Anyway, today I ate:

1 apple
5 reduced fat wheat thins with 1 tsp sunbutter.
1 chunk fresh pineapple
3 Halls Defense @ 15 cals each
1 sip cranberry juice.

And that's all I plan to eat.
I don't know how many calories were in that stuff.
I didn't do very much so far today, just slept, loaded some stuff on my zune...

I'm off to work in a little while.
Hopefully I'll burn some calories while I'm there.
I'll update later. :D


Yeah, I know...
It's kind of late.
I got carried away looking for photos for a signature...
So, I did well, kept to my goal, basically. I got some food for tomorrow... a thing of pineapple and a salad and a bran muffin from work. Yum. It's all I plan to eat tomorrow... hopefully less. ^^

Nov. 1st, 2009

Day One

Today I worked and slept... and... got online. Didn't eat too much, and for good reason.

So, today I ate:

Pinto Beans
Special K shake
2-3 sips juice
10 pumpkin seeds

So.. I dunno. I weighed myself and I was 139. I was 136.8 before this weekend... I did horribly.

Ugh, I'm trying though.

So, here's where I'm starting:

CW: 139
GW1: 135; November 8
Gw2: 131; Nov. 15
Gw3: 127; Nov. 22
Gw5: 123;  Nov. 29
Gw6: 119; Dec. 6
Gw7: 116; Dec. 13

I need to be at Gw7 by December 16. That means, starting tomorrow, I have 6 weeks and 3 days to lose this weight to lose 23 lbs.

I have to lose roughly 3.8 lbs a week.

I CAN do this!